Christina, a toxic relationship recovery coach, explained the red flags you shouldn’t ignore
The people nearest and dearest to you aren’t always rainbows and sunshine, but sometimes your significant other’s behaviour should set off alarm bells.
When we think about the term narcissist, we might conjure up images of a person who is overt in the way that they present themselves, making it clear to see who is and who isn’t a narcissist.
But it’s a lot more complex than that.
According to a toxic relationship recovery coach called Christina who runs the YouTube channel Common Ego, there are 12 red flags to be wary of.
Christina offered some invaluable advice (YouTube/Common Ego)
If you spot them, it might be time to have a conversation or make a difficult choice about ending the relationship.
She said: “They gaslighted, manipulated you, told you that you were too much and not enough in the same breath.
“And the worst part? They left you questioning whether they were right.”
However, by following the 12 signs of what you’ll see early on in the relationship leading to further on down the line, she shared how you can realise that they are wrong about you and how to break free.
They love bomb you
‘The love bomb phase, aka the too good to be true phase’, is ‘unlike anything you’ve ever experienced’ as they bombard you with praise and affection constantly.
But it’s not genuine.
It can be hard to figure out if you’re really being manipulated as you try to brush off your fears, but Christina says that they are using ‘flatter to get what they really want’ from you, which is typically your affection.
The love bombing never lasts (Getty Stock Image)
They mirror you
Mirroring is an act of essentially copying another person’s mannerisms, the way they talk and take on their personality of their own as a way to appear more likeable.
Or as though they have a connection with you like no other person.
Christina says: “Every interest you have becomes their passion. That childhood story you thought no one would understand, suddenly it feels like a shared experience.”
For a narcissist, it’s a way to force a connection.
They press fast-forward
A big thing that’s typical in this type of dynamic, is when your relationship goes from 0 to 100 right away.
You just met but now you’re moving in together, are planning a wedding and now want children together.
While it might feel like you’ve met your true love within two weeks, it’s unlikely to be the case.
Christina warns that it’s their way to get their hooks into you so that you can’t break the connection easily.
They’ll put you down using jokes
Being made fun of isn’t nice for anyone, particularly if it’s coming from your spouse.
But Christina notes that this is all part of the ‘devaluation stage’ where your partner may begin to tell you what they really think about you and disguise it as a joke, leaving you feeling unsure of how to react or feel.
Christina says: “There’s a whole lot of plausible deniability behind this one. They can just say, ‘Oh, it was just a joke, I didn’t mean it.’
“Narcissists often use humour to test your boundaries. Give them an inch and they will take a mile.”
The devaluation phase follows being love bombed (Getty Stock Image)
They have double standards
While they might ‘grill you’ on what you did with friends or ‘why you took so long’ to text back, they won’t allow you to do the same to them.
The expert then shared that they’ll use this to isolate you from those you love as you try to keep the peace.
They have a victim complex
While they might always need something from you or need more and more kindness from you when they feel down, it’s actually due to playing the victim and stealing your effort and time.
Christina said: “The problem here is when the sunk cost fallacy comes into play. You think about all the time you invested in helping this person, and if you walk away now all that time was for nothing.”
They begin gaslighting
Now, you’re deep into the ‘devaluation phase’ where it happens so gradually, that you probably won’t even notice.
Unfortunately, it gets so bad that you feel like you’re going crazy and have to prove that what happened…happened.
Christina said that this might be their goal, to make you feel crazy and that you’re lashing out at them when you double down on your side of the story.
Narcissists have many ways to manipulate you (Getty Stock Image)
They attack your feelings
They’ll tell you that you’re ‘too sensitive’ or that you’re ‘feeling something that you’re not’, as a way to make you feel insane. This could mean telling you you’re angry or jealous when you’re actually not.
Christina says: “No one has the right to tell you what or how much to feel.”
They re-write history
Re-writing history is something that Christina says is part of a narcissist’s gaslighting arsenal, where they will poke the bear to see how they can make you react and then tell you that you reacted over nothing and that you attacked them instead.
They are entitled
According to Christina, ‘any narcissist who doesn’t get their way is going to throw a fit’.
Christina says: “When you don’t give them something they think is rightfully theirs, they’re going to punish you.”Play
They lack empathy
Now, while this is a complex and controversial topic, Christina believes that a lack of empathy is something that she sees often, and it’s not something you want to be around.
They are jealous
Whether this is because someone looks better than them or is more successful than them, they can be jealous of anything and anyone.
Christina says: “When someone else is ‘winning’, the narcissist may go out of their way to sabotage that person. It could be something as simple as bad mouthing someone at a party because they look better or are getting more attention.”
While narcissism is something that you need to watch out for, it is a personality disorder that a person might not be aware of the pain they are inflicting.
So maybe approaching your exit with feedback is a good idea to drill it into them.Featured Image Credit: Getty Stock Image
Topics: YouTube, Sex and Relationships, Mental Health
Britt Jones
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Updated 11:43 4 Sep 2024 GMT+1Published 10:02 4 Sep 2024 GMT+1
Expert warns people of the seven major ‘red flag’ traits of a narcissist you should look out for
BACP counsellor and narcissism expert Margaret Ward-Martin revealed what warning signs to look out for
Although you might be wondering why it took so long to realise when the penny finally drops, working out whether someone is a narcissist or not can be quite a tricky task.
Picking apart the behaviour of a relative, friend, or romantic partner isn’t exactly the most attractive activity, but it’s a necessary evil if you want to protect yourself.
But hopefully, these seven major red flag traits explained by an expert on the subject will help you spot whether you’ve got a narcissist in your midst.
BACP counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin warned that keeping someone like this in your circle could ultimately cost you your ‘sanity and even your life‘, so giving them the boot will be a great benefit.
The expert warned that sticking by a narcissist doesn’t usually end well (Getty Stock Images)
“Narcissists erode a person so that they no longer recognise themselves; victims may become depressed and mentally and physically ill, often resorting to drugs, alcohol, disordered eating and similar, to cope,” she told Metro.
“They do not have a conscience, so the best thing to do is to cut your losses and ties, where possible, and rebuild.”
This is why she has urged people to take ‘heed of the early signs’ of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) when they show up, explaining you will only suffer ‘much more damage’ in the long run while also wasting your time.
So if you’re concerned that someone might be a narcissist, take a look at these warning signs the therapist says you need to be on alert for.
Shifting the blame
If someone refuses to take responsibility for their mistakes and manages to pin the blame on everyone else for their problems, Margaret reckons it’s a major red flag.
She explained that narcissists typically leave ‘a trail of destruction’ in their wake and tend to adopt a victim mentality about what has happened in their life, rather than being accountable for their own actions.
The founder of The Grace Project said: “They may volunteer that they are flawed because of trauma and neglect and as a result did things they are not proud of.
“And, while some of this may be true, it is smoke and mirrors.”
Blindly loyal supporters
Narcissists might not be nice people to be around, but they tend to be surrounded by a posse of loyal followers who they have managed to manipulate.
As people with the mental health condition crave attention and admiration, they keep those who they have convinced to serve their needs close by – however, you shouldn’t feel too bad if you’ve been conned into this.
Margaret believes ‘everyone can be hoodwinked by a narcissist’, especially if they hold an important place in your life.
She explained it is often ‘simpler to ignore the facts and believe the narcissist’s version of events’ for a lot of people.
So, if you notice that a certain someone is always in the company of people who ‘actively protect and advocate’ for them – even when they are in the wrong – it could be a sign they are a narcissist.
Saying what you want to hear
The counsellor explained that narcissists are pretty nifty at painting themselves in a different light, so their behaviour can often go from one extreme to another.
“Part of the alchemy of a narcissistic relationship or environment is that as you feel something is not right, you will be love-bombed or publicly congratulated or acknowledged,” Margaret noted. “This can be very destabilising.”
At the end of the day, they’re not daft – and as the expert points out, ‘the quicker they can gain access to your life, family, bank account, apartment, the earlier they can drop the act’.
She added: “Narcissists read enough about how to be spotted in order that they get ahead of the game, so they may say they themselves have been narcissistically abused and feign empathy and remorse – all the things they know you want to hear.”
Narcissists want to isolate you and often stir the pot to create a distance between you and your loved ones (Getty Stock Images)
Stirring the pot
If someone seems to always be stirring up trouble, beware – as you could have a narcissist on your hands.
Margaret explained that these people will often pit you against others with the goal of isolating you from your nearest and dearest, subsequently making them the most important person in your life.
The counsellor warned people to be wary if you notice that a person makes comments ‘about others to influence how you treat them’, which will inevitably create a distance between you and your loved ones.
“For example, they might say that their brother doesn’t like you and thinks you’re a gold digger,” Margaret continued.
“This is so you will be wary of the brother and not have any meaningful connection.”
Bending the truth
If telling fibs comes a bit too easy to someone, it could be a huge sign that they are a narcissist.
We’ve all told a few white lies in life, but honesty is the best policy – and if someone can spit out a cock and bull story at the drop of the hat or sell you a fantasy, it might be time to show them the door.
Obviously, determining whether they are deceiving you can be quite difficult, but once you get to the bottom of it, Margaret believes it should be a case of one strike and they’re out.
She reckons their lies will only grow bigger and bolder, so there’s no point in wasting your time.
“They are brilliant imitators of a decent person. But eventually, you will catch them out,” the counsellor added.
They are often very image-based (Getty stock photo)
Control
People with narcissistic personality disorder have plenty of tricks up their sleeve to keep their power over you, ranging from love-bombing to gaslighting.
Margaret believes that for most of them, there isn’t such thing as going too far – so their tactics can be very troublesome.
“They may become aggressive or violent, or sulk and guilt trip you,” she explained.
Whether they opt for flattery or inducing fear, narcissists will do pretty much anything to continue exercising control over you, so it’s best to head for the nearest exit if you pick up on a person displaying this behaviour.
Creating a facade
It’s not exactly unusual to adapt your behaviour when you’re in front of different audiences, but if a person is obsessed with playing up to the crowd, there could be a bigger problem at play.
Margaret explained that narcissists are ‘obsessed with image’ and will only allow their mask to slip when certain people are around – but otherwise, it’s all for show.
The counsellor said: “When no one else – or no one considered important enough – is watching, they begin to reveal their true self.
“Make note of how they treat junior staff – do they greet, acknowledge, and enquire after them when equal or senior colleagues aren’t there to see? Do they speak to you in private in a way they would never in front of an audience?”
Only you know what goes on behind closed doors – but if you relate to the contents of this article a bit too much, it sounds like you’ve got a narcissist in your life that you need to get rid of.Featured Image Credit: Getty Stock Images
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Health, Mental Health, News
Olivia Burke
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Published 13:40 3 May 2024 GMT+1
Psychologists share red flag signs that your partner is ‘breadcrumbing’ you in a relationship
You may’ve thought you were safe out of the dating game and in a relationship but along comes ‘breadcrumbing’
A study has revealed the top signs you may be in a relationship with a partner who is ‘breadcrumbing’ you.
Dating is a minefield even at the best of times and I hate to say it, but now even if you reach the next step of the relationship stage, you’re still not safe.
Ultimate dating ‘icks’ list revealed
Credit: Today/Channel 9
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A study by psychology researchers from The Maharaja Sayajirao University of Baroda and University of Castilla-La Mancha has revealed what ‘breadcrumbing’ is and what the tell-tale signs to look out for.
The study – titled Young Adults’ Perception of Breadcrumbing Victimization in Dating Relationships – explains breadcrumbing is a form of manipulation and ‘a negative dating behavior that involves repeatedly tossing out just enough titbits of interest to keep another person interested and involved, where the breadcrumber is not truly interested in the person they are dating and is only using the relationship to gain a superficial connection and attention from them’.
An example is ‘the act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (i.e., breadcrumbs) in order to lure a sexual/romantic partner without expending much effort’.
But how do you know if you’ve become a victim of it? Well, thankfully there several major flags on what to keep an eye out for.
There are some red flags which could signify you’re being breadcrumbed (Getty Stock Images/ Maria Korneeva)
On-off affection
The first sign of someone who may be guilty of breadcrumbing is they give compliments, flirt and show romantic interest but in an intermittent way.
They blow hot and cold, so one minute you think they really like you, are texting you all the time and want to see you but the next, they’ve gone AWOL and it can feel like you don’t even exist.
Now, this can just typically happen when you’re first starting to get to know someone and aren’t quite sure you want to put all your eggs fully in their basket, but there are other ways to figure out if they’re really a breadcrumber.
One sign is someone blowing hot and cold (Getty Stock Images/ Jose Luis Pelaez Inc)
Avoiding confrontation and commitment
If you’ve got to the ‘So what are we?’ stage and they’re not giving you an answer and don’t want to solidify what your relationship is, run, don’t walk.
But if you’ve made it past that stage and are with your partner, alarm bells should still ring if your partner is reluctant to ever chat about a future together or discusses their future with no mention of you in it.
And while confrontation is never nice, if they’re avoiding having the difficult conversations – which ultimately help you both understand each other and each other’s communication styles more – then this shows they may not be thinking long-term about your relationship either.
Avoiding confrontation can be a sign (Getty Stock Images/ Vladimir Vladimirov)
Manipulative or deceptive behaviour
If your partner is gaslighting you and making you doubt your own version of reality to suit their own narrative, this could be a huge red flag they’re breadcrumbing you and just using you for their own needs, as and when they want, but not thinking about yours too.
The study revealed 56 percent of people involved said their partners ‘were hiding their other sexual relationships from them’ and that 44 percent said their partners ‘kept them on the hook by not taking things further or not ending things’.
“We also noticed some potential gaslighting behaviors, such as making it seem like it is the breadcrumbie’s fault for seeking commitment (22 percent); a decrease in responsibility or not taking responsibility for their actions; the denial of making any commitments; blaming their ex-partners for the failure of their relationships; not disclosing their real intentions of being in the relationship and making their partner feel insecure about themselves,” the study adds.
Gaslighting can also be a tell-tale sign (Getty Stock Images/ Noel Hendrickson)
Breadcrumbing can not only cause symptoms of depression in those who are subjected to it, but it can impact future relationships too and someone’s ability to trust and feel safe.
It’s important to remember domestic abuse doesn’t just include violence but emotional abuse too.
If you are experiencing domestic abuse, please know that you are not alone. You can talk in confidence to the national domestic violence helpline Refuge on 0808 2000 247, available 24/7, or via live chat, available 3pm-10pm, Monday to Friday.Featured Image Credit: Getty Stock Images
Topics: Health, Mental Health, Sex and Relationships, Dating trends, Domestic Abuse
Poppy Bilderbeck
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Published 18:15 20 May 2024 GMT+1
Psychologist shares three signs to look out for that suggest your partner is manipulating you
Abuse comes in many forms, including manipulative behaviour.
A psychologist has named three of the biggest warning signs to be on the lookout for if you fear your partner is manipulating you.
There’s always an element of risk involved with relationships, you’re really baring your heart and soul to another person.
In doing so, you’re giving them the chance to deal you some serious emotional damage if they were so inclined, and sadly, some partners end up being horribly manipulative.
But psychologist Dr Lalitaa Suglani explained the three big things to look out for.
She was speaking about the ways that a manipulative partner might try to stop you from leaving the relationship.
Gaslighting is a major component of manipulative relationships. (Getty Stock Photo)
Gaslighting
You’ve surely heard of this term by now, which comes from a 1938 play called Gas Light, in which a husband steals from his wife by tricking her into thinking she’s mentally unwell.
He does this by secretly dimming and brightening the lights in their home, then tells his wife she’s imagining what she saw.
It’s been used all too often in real relationships, as Dr Lalitaa said: “This involves manipulating someone into questioning their own perceptions, their own memories and sanity.
“Abusers may use gaslighting techniques to make their partner doubt their experiences, making them feel confused and uncertain about leaving.”
With a gaslighting partner it can be hard to tell the truth from fiction, as someone you ought to be able to trust most in the world is actively trying to manipulate you.
The psychologist explained that keeping you cut off from other people besides them was a warning sign. (Getty Stock Photo)
Isolation
“Your partner may isolate you from your family and your friends, and other supportive networks,” the psychologist warned, and this is yet another cause for concern.
She explained that a manipulative partner would do this control the access other people had to you, and to keep a handle on what sort of information was going around.
If you don’t know what’s going on outside your relationship then it’s going to be harder to leave it, and if your life is built around just one person then cutting ties with them will be a much bigger step.
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Financial control
How this works will come as no surprise to anyone, as the psychologist explained that a manipulative person could be trying to control all of the money in their partner’s life, thus ‘making them dependent for money or resources’.
She explained that this would ‘create barriers to leaving’, as they could use the fear of being unable to support yourself as a way to stop you from leaving.
Dr Lalitaa also noted that this control could extend to children in the relationship, as if you felt financially unable to leave then it’d be even harder to take the children with you.Featured Image Credit: Getty Stock Images
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Mental Health
Joe Harker
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Published 20:50 20 Dec 2024 GMT
Expert shares the three tell-tale signs that you are with someone psychopathic
The doctor explained the characteristics she sees in psychopaths
An expert has shared the three tell-tale signs that you are with someone who is psychopathic.
Calling someone a ‘psycho’ has become an insult thrown out in anger at people just to get back at them for acting ‘crazy’.
But, in reality, being a psychopath stems from a mental health condition.
Psychopaths are considered to have a severe form of antisocial personality disorder (ASPD).
Typically, the NHS say this shows in someone as them being manipulative, deceitful and reckless with no regard for other people’s feelings.
Abigail Marsh is a psychologist and neuroscientist as well as a Professor of Psychology at Georgetown University, US, and is known for her research in psychopathy.
In a video for Big Think she listed ‘certain things’ she looks for that suggests a ‘person is genuinely psychopathic’.
Cheating in various ways can be a sign according to Marsh. (Getty Stock)
Displaying anti-social behaviour
Marsh says she often sees the sign that a person tends to be ‘anti-social across’ a variety of domains.
“They’ve cheated on romantic partners, they’ve cheated in professional settings or maybe in school, or in a sports setting,” she explains.
“It’s not just one thing or one domain – you see unethical and anti-social behaviour across domains.”
The idea you’re better than everyone else can be a sign. (Getty Stock)
Believing they’re better than others
The expert says psychopaths tend to ‘show signs they think they’re better than other people’.
For example, they will tend to believe that problems in the world are always the fault of others.
“Other people are dumb, other people are ignorant, other people are easily duped,” Marsh added.Play
Believing everybody is the same
And finally, the psychologist sees in psychopaths that they really seem to believe ‘everybody else is just like them’ underneath it all.
So, if they think it’s true of people in general that ‘everybody is actually fundamentally selfish’ then realistically, what the psychopath is ‘really telling you is what they’re like’ themselves. i.e., they are the fundamentally selfish ones.
Signs of ASPD according to the NHS
A person with ASPD may:
· Exploit, manipulate or violate the rights of others
· Lack concern, regret or remorse about other people’s distress
· Behave irresponsibly and show disregard for normal social behaviour
· Have difficulty sustaining long-term relationships
· Be unable to control their anger
· Lack guilt, or not learn from their mistakes
· Blame others for problems in their lives
· Repeatedly break the law