Christmas is over for another year boys and girls, and now you’re on a comedown from the saccharine nature of the holidays, it’s time to take stock of your life and evaluate where you’re at.
We’re now in a period known to some as ‘Betwixtmas’, the time between Christmas and New Year where lots of people have the time to think about how the year went ahead of making some resolutions.
A major aspect of many people’s lives (if they have a partner) is their relationship, and whenever one starts it’s inevitable that you’re going to be thinking about where things will end up.
According to relationship coach Brett Parker, there’s one trait you need to be on the lookout for in your relationship which he says gives you a ’94 percent’ chance you’ll break up.
He explained that this idea came out of a study from relationship experts Dr John and Dr Julie Gottman, who have also broken down the ‘four horsemen’ of divorce which signal that a marriage won’t last beyond five years.
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“See, you do always leave your mug for me to wash up” (Getty Stock Photo)
As for this one trait which apparently signals a breakup is on the cards, Brett took to TikTok to deliver a video from his car (as many people on that platform do for some reason) and explained that the Gottmans studied a set of couples for 14 years.
“They found that they way that they argue accurately predicts whether they stay together or whether they get divorced,” the relationship coach explained of the 1992 study results.
“The one thing that determines this entire outcome is if you argue to win or to understand.
“So when you’re arguing with your spouse or your girlfriend or your boyfriend are you trying to win the argument, or are you trying to understand their point of view?”
As you can probably guess, ‘arguing to understand’ is the winning move if you want to keep a relationship together whereas couples who were each ‘arguing to win’ would probably not work out in the end.
“We had an argument but now I feel like I understand you more. I’ll tell my solicitor I don’t need those divorce papers after all” (Getty Stock Photo)
Remember folks, if you’re having an argument with your partner and your goal is to win then you’re probably going to lose in the long run.
According to The Gottman Institute, about two-thirds of all arguments were perpetual, meaning that getting your partner to acknowledge the correct way to place spoons on the drying rack is your way is all well and good for a while, but it can easily fester into something that plops your relationship into the dreaded 94 percent zone.
They add that while it doesn’t always necessarily mean the relationship is doomed, it can mean the relationship ‘has a hope they hadn’t previously imagined’, therefore the best course is perspective.
As for the Gottmans and their ‘four horsemen’ signs to look out for in case a couple is headed for divorce, those are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
In another case from them, the relationship experts said there was a specific situation where cheating could technically help a relationship.
Apparently if the person who cheats on their partner can recover their relationship and get help it can actually work out in the long run, though really it’s the ‘getting help’ part that actually improves things.Featured Image Credit: tiktok/agood_parker/Getty Stock
Topics: Sex and Relationships, TikTok
Joe Harker
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Published 14:24 26 Dec 2024 GMT
Expert reveals 12 red flag signs you should never ignore that suggest your partner is a narcissist
Christina, a toxic relationship recovery coach, explained the red flags you shouldn’t ignore
The people nearest and dearest to you aren’t always rainbows and sunshine, but sometimes your significant other’s behaviour should set off alarm bells.
When we think about the term narcissist, we might conjure up images of a person who is overt in the way that they present themselves, making it clear to see who is and who isn’t a narcissist.
But it’s a lot more complex than that.
According to a toxic relationship recovery coach called Christina who runs the YouTube channel Common Ego, there are 12 red flags to be wary of.
Christina offered some invaluable advice (YouTube/Common Ego)
If you spot them, it might be time to have a conversation or make a difficult choice about ending the relationship.
She said: “They gaslighted, manipulated you, told you that you were too much and not enough in the same breath.
“And the worst part? They left you questioning whether they were right.”
However, by following the 12 signs of what you’ll see early on in the relationship leading to further on down the line, she shared how you can realise that they are wrong about you and how to break free.
They love bomb you
‘The love bomb phase, aka the too good to be true phase’, is ‘unlike anything you’ve ever experienced’ as they bombard you with praise and affection constantly.
But it’s not genuine.
It can be hard to figure out if you’re really being manipulated as you try to brush off your fears, but Christina says that they are using ‘flatter to get what they really want’ from you, which is typically your affection.
The love bombing never lasts (Getty Stock Image)
They mirror you
Mirroring is an act of essentially copying another person’s mannerisms, the way they talk and take on their personality of their own as a way to appear more likeable.
Or as though they have a connection with you like no other person.
Christina says: “Every interest you have becomes their passion. That childhood story you thought no one would understand, suddenly it feels like a shared experience.”
For a narcissist, it’s a way to force a connection.
They press fast-forward
A big thing that’s typical in this type of dynamic, is when your relationship goes from 0 to 100 right away.
You just met but now you’re moving in together, are planning a wedding and now want children together.
While it might feel like you’ve met your true love within two weeks, it’s unlikely to be the case.
Christina warns that it’s their way to get their hooks into you so that you can’t break the connection easily.
They’ll put you down using jokes
Being made fun of isn’t nice for anyone, particularly if it’s coming from your spouse.
But Christina notes that this is all part of the ‘devaluation stage’ where your partner may begin to tell you what they really think about you and disguise it as a joke, leaving you feeling unsure of how to react or feel.
Christina says: “There’s a whole lot of plausible deniability behind this one. They can just say, ‘Oh, it was just a joke, I didn’t mean it.’
“Narcissists often use humour to test your boundaries. Give them an inch and they will take a mile.”
The devaluation phase follows being love bombed (Getty Stock Image)
They have double standards
While they might ‘grill you’ on what you did with friends or ‘why you took so long’ to text back, they won’t allow you to do the same to them.
The expert then shared that they’ll use this to isolate you from those you love as you try to keep the peace.
They have a victim complex
While they might always need something from you or need more and more kindness from you when they feel down, it’s actually due to playing the victim and stealing your effort and time.
Christina said: “The problem here is when the sunk cost fallacy comes into play. You think about all the time you invested in helping this person, and if you walk away now all that time was for nothing.”
They begin gaslighting
Now, you’re deep into the ‘devaluation phase’ where it happens so gradually, that you probably won’t even notice.
Unfortunately, it gets so bad that you feel like you’re going crazy and have to prove that what happened…happened.
Christina said that this might be their goal, to make you feel crazy and that you’re lashing out at them when you double down on your side of the story.
Narcissists have many ways to manipulate you (Getty Stock Image)
They attack your feelings
They’ll tell you that you’re ‘too sensitive’ or that you’re ‘feeling something that you’re not’, as a way to make you feel insane. This could mean telling you you’re angry or jealous when you’re actually not.
Christina says: “No one has the right to tell you what or how much to feel.”
They re-write history
Re-writing history is something that Christina says is part of a narcissist’s gaslighting arsenal, where they will poke the bear to see how they can make you react and then tell you that you reacted over nothing and that you attacked them instead.
They are entitled
According to Christina, ‘any narcissist who doesn’t get their way is going to throw a fit’.
Christina says: “When you don’t give them something they think is rightfully theirs, they’re going to punish you.”Play
They lack empathy
Now, while this is a complex and controversial topic, Christina believes that a lack of empathy is something that she sees often, and it’s not something you want to be around.
They are jealous
Whether this is because someone looks better than them or is more successful than them, they can be jealous of anything and anyone.
Christina says: “When someone else is ‘winning’, the narcissist may go out of their way to sabotage that person. It could be something as simple as bad mouthing someone at a party because they look better or are getting more attention.”
While narcissism is something that you need to watch out for, it is a personality disorder that a person might not be aware of the pain they are inflicting.
So maybe approaching your exit with feedback is a good idea to drill it into them.Featured Image Credit: Getty Stock Image
Topics: YouTube, Sex and Relationships, Mental Health
Britt Jones
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Updated 16:42 3 Nov 2024 GMTPublished 16:38 3 Nov 2024 GMT
Relationship coach explains why you should stop saying ‘I love you’ to your partner
Relationship coach Jon Dillow has explained what we should be saying instead
A relationship coach said he thinks couples should stop saying ‘I love you’.
Experts have long been listing things you should absolutely not say to your partner if you don’t want to find yourself swiftly single, but you wouldn’t think ‘I love you’ would be one of them.
Yet relationship coach Jon Dillow has taken to TikTok explaining why we should think twice before saying those three magic words to our significant other.
He said: “If you frequently tell your partner ‘I love you’, I want you to stop.”
And he’s even suggested some of the things we should be saying instead.
In a relationship that first time saying ‘I love you’ is a leap into the unknown, you’re putting yourself out there for someone who means everything to you and giving them the power to either crush your heart into tiny pieces or make you feel amazing.
Of course if it all goes well that initial ‘I love you’, a moment that might end up becoming a core memory for you, will be the first of many.
Does saying ‘I love you’ mean less if you say it more often? (TikTok/what_healthy_couples_do)
Before long you’ll be saying ‘I love you’ because your partner remembered to fold up the bags for life and put them in the cupboard under the sink.
And that’s when Dillow says the phrase loses all meaning.
He continued: “Yes, saying those words affirming your love to your partner, it is a good thing.
“But if you say ‘I love you’ every time you hang up the phone or every time you greet each other in the morning or see each other at the end of the day it can start to become rote and meaningless.”
What should you say instead of ‘I love you’?
Thankfully, Dillow has some suggestions for other ways to make your partner feel appreciated without overusing those crucial three words.
He said: “Instead of ‘I love you’, try one of the following: ‘I’m looking forward to seeing you’, ‘I so enjoy doing life together’, ‘I’m so thankful to have a partner who – fill in the blank – I hope you know that’, ‘I probably don’t tell you this enough but you really make my life better, I’m so thankful to be with you’.
“Even hearing me say this you can probably feel just how much more meaningful these very specific phrases are as opposed to just a quick general ‘I love you’ every time you get off the phone.
“This isn’t to say that saying ‘I love you’ doesn’t have value, but if your goal is to communicate your love and affection being more specific about what you’re saying is probably more effective at accomplishing that goal.”
This is one dollop of relationship advice which didn’t seem to strike much of a chord with the audience, as the comments below were full of people disagreeing with him.
People said ‘you never know when it will be the last time’ and that the phrase ‘never becomes meaningless because you say it so often’.
Someone else added that it’s ‘about making sure you do things authentically’, so if you meant it then all of those times saying ‘I love you’ wouldn’t become rote and routine.
“If the person really loves you, they never get tired of hearing the words,” was another opinion offered in the comments.
If you want to keep telling that special someone in your life ‘I love you’, then public opinion would seem to overwhelmingly support you in this.Featured Image Credit: tiktok/what_healthy_couples_do
Topics: Sex and Relationships, TikTok
Joe Harker
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Published 12:23 21 Dec 2024 GMT
‘Phubbing’ your partner is ruining relationships without people even knowing they’re doing it
You’re probably been guilty a number of times without even realising
The dating game is hard enough in this day and age, strewn with all manner of obstacles to dodge.
And in a world where most of the interactions we have with any potential partner are online, the pitfalls are much deeper and much harder to spot.
You only have to take the vast number of dating terms we have these days as evidence of that – everywhere you look, someone is being ‘ghosted‘, ‘benched,’ or ‘breadcrumbed‘.
In short, it’s a brutal world out there, and you’ve got to be ready for anything.
Well, on that note, we have a new term doing the rounds, and the chances are you might do it yourself and have no idea about it: phubbing.
Mindful Media /Getty
What is phubbing?
You may think you’re a top class dater, but ‘phubbing’ is something you may do without realising.
The word is a mix between ‘phone’ and ‘snubbing’, and in this phone obsessed society, everyone’s probably been guilty at least once.
The group chat is more than likely popping off during dates, as the gang are wondering how things are getting on. However, those who go to respond are unknowingly ‘phubbing’ their date/partner, and there’s a reason it needs to stop.
In short, anytime you’re ignoring the human in front of you for your phone screen, you’re a culprit of ‘phubbing’.
Getty Stock Photo
How phubbing is damaging relationships and lives
As well as being kind of rude, ‘phubbing’ is also having a damaging effect on relationships, according to one study.
The study’s authors explained: “The phenomenon of phubbing, which hits individuals’ social interactions, is an important risk factor for romantic relationships.
“In other words, partners’ being too busy with their smartphones during their romantic relationships harms relationship satisfaction and perceived romantic relationship quality.”
But that’s not all; as well as romantic satisfaction, phubbing can have a negative effect on life satisfaction too. This means, phubbing could be making your partner more miserable in their day to day life too.
The paper went on: “The results… indicate that partner ‘phubbing’ had a significant indirect effect on life satisfaction through perceived romantic relationship quality and relationship satisfaction.
“These results reveal that relationship satisfaction and perceived romantic relationship quality decrease in individuals who are exposed to partner phubbing behaviours, and that decreased relationship satisfaction and romantic relationship quality harm life satisfaction.”
So, next time you think about reaching for that phone on a date, think again.Featured Image Credit: Getty stock images
Topics: Phones, Sex and Relationships, Dating trends
The LADbible Team
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Published 11:52 27 Jul 2024 GMT+1
Five troubling signs your partner is ‘spider-webbing’ you in your relationship
It’s all to easy to get tangled up in their web
Another day, another concerning dating trend.
Singletons have been warned to be wary about ‘benching‘, couples have been told to watch out for ‘Rebecca Syndrome’ and ‘pebbling’ is also all the range right now – but have you ever heard of ‘spider-webbing’?
It’s the latest strange term to elbow its way into our vocabularies which describes a concerning relationship dynamic, and it goes a lot deeper than people just experiencing the usual trouble in paradise.
In fact, spider-webbing is essentially a combination of all of the worst toxic traits someone could have – so it’s important you know the signs of it to look out for.
What is spider-webbing?
This term describes a ruthless combination of manipulation tactics which your partner may use to tangle you up in a relationship, which just isn’t right for you.
Think gaslighting, love bombing, breadcrumbing, ghosting and therapy baiting…all at once.
Experts warn that spider-webbing can cause long-lasting emotional harm while dually diminishing your self esteem and causing trust issues, which could have repercussions in future relationships.
Emma Hathorn, a dating guru at Seeking.com, told the Independent that people stuck in this cycle will often end up feeling ‘trapped and emotionally distressed’.
It’s important to be aware of the signs of spider-webbing (Getty stock image)
She explained: “Spider-webbing is a term used to describe a complex network of manipulative behaviours woven over time, which can entangle individuals in a tumultuous and unhealthy relationship.
“It’s important to address this trend because it not only jeopardises the emotional well-being of those involved but also erodes trust and authenticity in the dating world.”
So, here’s the five troubling signs of spider-webbing you need to be aware of.
Too good to be true
You’re partner might be the apple of your eye, but sometimes, it’s all just an elaborate ruse.
So, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is – and the honeymoon phase won’t last for too long.
Those who inflict manipulation tactics on their partner are a wolf in sheep’s clothing and therefore can be hard to spot, so it’s important to be cautious before falling head over heels for someone.
Starting off the relationship being nice as pie is all part of their manipulation tactics, according to Psychology Today.
Sporadic behaviour
People who spin you into their web will often switch up their behaviour sporadically, while you are dating them, leaving you wondering who they really are.
They might be showering you with love one second and slipping in some rude comments the next, making it difficult to work out where you stand with them.
If they are typically inconsistent with their behaviour towards you, it could suggest that you are slowly getting tangled into their web of control.
These toxic traits are sometimes hard to spot (Getty stock image)
Using your vulnerabilities against you
If you have opened up to your partner about something in confidence only for them to throw it back in your face, this could be a sign that some spider-webbing is going down.
Your other half might make you feel guilty or shameful about a subject you find difficult to discuss, which is all part of their plan to make you crave their approval and validation.
But if someone if using your vulnerabilities against you, it’s probably time to bid them goodbye.
Labelling you
The thing about those who like to trap you in their web is that they like to deflect – so don’t be surprised if they start hurling labels at you left, right and centre about your so-called faults.
If you find yourself picking up on your partner trying to categorise you as something you are not, it seems like you could soon end up stuck in the spider-webbing cycle.
Before you know it, you will have lost all sense of your self worth and will start to believe those labels, so bin them off before it gets to this point.
Bragging about bad behaviour
If you’re significant other is comfortable boasting about how they can manipulate others to you, be aware that they probably consider you to be an easy target of this kind of behaviour too.
The way your partner treats others should reveal their true colours, as if they can do it to their nearest and dearest, they will definitely do it to you.
So, if you notice them constantly bragging about how they manipulated a colleague, a friend or a relative, it’s probably time to realise that they are not the person you thought they were.